Hot Hero Sandwich Project Archives: The Lost Andy Breckman Songbook

by G. Jack Urso

 

A promotional advertisement for Andy Breckman, circa 1979-1980. 

Writer Andy Breckman’s comedy act before Hot Hero Sandwich featured him playing guitar to his own somewhat dark comic compositions, such as one song which featured “a man who is either a mass murderer or just clumsy” — pretty much exactly what someone who wrote for David Letterman and created Monk might come up with. You can check out Andy’s interview with the Hot Hero Sandwich project at Hot Hero Sandwich — Off-Script with Writer Andy Breckman.

Andy turned in some poignant yet still fun songs with “Tommy Two” and “My Friend Bernie.” The songs are layered with meaning and restrained compared to some of his other songs which didn’t air.

From deep within the Hot Hero Sandwich Project Archives I have discovered some very interesting bits of nearly lost history. Among the finds, including some Andy Breckman promotional materials from his time as a nightclub comic, were also a couple scripts with lyrics to songs he composed, and recorded, but never aired: “The Revenge Song” and “Playing Hard to Get.”

In reviewing the production shooting schedule (see image below) for Tuesday, July 17, 1979, Breckman and the “Breckettes” (the Hot Hero Band) performed and recorded the two aforementioned songs and “Dipstyck,” a song for which I’ve not discovered the lyrics for yet, on the “Disco Set.” 

Production shooting schedule for July 17, 1979.

First up, “The Revenge Song,” filmed on Studio-8H, Tu., July 17, 1979. was slated for Episode 1, but got cut due to time constraints. This shows a bit harder edge than the bittersweet underpinnings of “Tommy Two” and “My Friend Bernie.” A young man, tormented by a childhood bully, works out and studies the martial arts for years. Grown up, he tracks his bully down and . . . promptly gets beat up — again.

“The Revenge Song” lyrics page from an original Hot Hero Sandwich episode 1 script.

The Revenge Song

Chorus:

Let’s sing about peace on Earth.

No, no, no, I want to sing about revenge.

Let’s sing about love, love, love.

No, no. I’d rather sing about revenge.

 

When I was in fifth grade, many years ago

Billy MacGown stole my radio

He made fun of my mother, he broke my bike.

He was the meanest kid I ever knew.

Every afternoon at three o’clock he’d be waiting for me

Out in the parking lot

He used to throw me down on the ground and kick me in the stomach

Real hard till I turned black and blue.

 

Chorus:

Let’s sing about the birds and the bees.

No, no, no, I want to sing about revenge.

Let’s sing about the flowers and the trees.

No, no. I am talking ‘bout revenge.

 

For ten long years I studied kung fu.

I practice karate and jujitsu too.

For ten long years I worked out every day

Till I was stronger than I was ever before.

I jogged and swam and I lifted the weight.

I had to register my hands with New York State.

And when I felt I was ready I took a bus back home

And I knocked on Billy’s door.

 

Chorus:

Let’s sing about the Woodstock nation.

No, no, man. I’m singing ‘bout revenge.

Let’s sing about the good vibration.

Will you shut-up! Can’t you see I’m talking ‘bout revenge.

 

I said, “Hey man, remember me?

I was a little kid then but as you can see

I ain’t no more. Now get on out here.

You’re gonna get what’s coming to you.”

He threw me down on the ground and began to kick me real hard.

I said, “Oh, no, not again.”

He probably would have killed me if they hadn’t pulled him off.

It still hurts me right here every time I take a breath.

 

Chorus:

Let’s sing about peace on Earth.

Peace on Earth? Sounds good to me.

Let’s sing about love, love, love.

I don’t want to hear no more about revenge.

I still can’t touch my toes.

 

Do you want to see my scar?

Love, love, love, love, love, love.

 

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The next song, “Playing Hard to Get” may not translate too well from the late ‘70s zeitgeist which gave it birth. There is a certain stalker vibe to it, though at 15 in 1979 I would have just thought it a funny song about some guy who couldn’t take a hint. Its intention, in context of the script, was to point out the immature aspects of such behavior. “Playing Hard to Get” was also filmed Tu., July 17, 1979. 

The “Playing Hard to Get” lyrics from the script.

Playing Hard to Get

by Andy Breckman

 

There used to be a girl named Linda living down the street.

She used to scream and run away whenever we would meet.

Everytime I’d telephone she’d hang right up – and yet

I think she really liked me, but was playing hard to get.

 

Sometimes I used to follow her as she’d come down the block.

She used to say if you don’t quit I’m gonna call a cop.

How them handcuffs pinched my wrist I never will forget.

She was crazy for my lovin’, just playing hard to get.

 

One time she beat me up so bad

My leg was in a sling.

I hobbled around for half a year,

Love’s a many splendored thing!

 

I understand she’s married now and living in L.A.

She’s got two kids already with another on the way

She’s never called or written me but still I do suspect

She’s crazy for my loving, just playing hard to get,

 

All the girls adore me, they’re just playing hard to get 

 

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